...Christ hither and away...

To my fellow Catholic geeks... ;)

This day.

This day is pretty awesome. It's so awesome that I absolutely, no questions asked, had to write something in the blogosphere TODAY. Now. March 25th, 2016. Alas, I have only a few minutes, and these few minutes can't POSSIBLY be enough time to type out the words and thoughts that are exploding in my brain right now... a few minutes to explain why this day is SO AWESOME??? Darn. I know I'm not going to be able to get it all out, and it's going to be crazy babble, but...

It's not awesome because it's by birthday. I mean, it is my birthday. And it's a pretty cool one... It's usually the Feast of the Annunciation, a day which means so very much to me and which I cherish as a feast day. Mary's Fiat... that "yes" that, in one instant of perfect love and acceptance, began to undo the chains of Adam and Eve's fall... that set in motion the events that would immediately follow for our ultimate Redemption... that the Word became flesh, dwelt among us, took our human nature as His own so that HE could pay the perfect price for our own fall, our own sin... Oh, yes, I love that feast. I love that it is nine months before Christmas (and that my name means "Christmas," though my parents had decided upon my name long before I was born!)

But what's awesome about today is that we actually get to celebrate Good Friday this year, on this very day that is traditionally held as THE date of Good Friday. That very first one. In fact, the very early Church purposely chose March 25th as the date of the Annunciation JUST because it was also the traditional date of Our Lord's Paschal Sacrifice. Jesus' life had come full circle. It was His beginning in the world, and His end.

Alpha and Omega.

And so, the early Church held this day as one of the very holiest - a day of eternal fiats, of the complete gift of self of that young Jewish girl that would usher in the complete immolation of her Divine Son, Our Paschal Victim. And indeed, the Paschal symbolism was strongly held, not just because of the feast's correlation with annual Jewish Passover, but also due to the influence of traditions that held March 25th as being the "date" of nearly every major event in Salvation History: the creation of the world, the fall of Adam and Eve, the willingness of Abraham to sacrifice his son Isaac, the freeing of the Israelites from the slavery of Egypt after the very first Passover, and so on.

And of course, my favorite author knew exactly what he was doing when he chose the traditional date of the Incarnation and the Crucifixion as the day that Frodo destroyed the Ring. :)

Basically, it's the most special date ever. :)

But!!!!!!! Today, as I was contemplating a beautiful poem by John Donne, which I will share at the end of this post, I was thinking about how powerful it is that this Year of Mercy should be one of the rare, special years during which Good Friday actually falls on March 25th. It didn't seem like a coincidence, somehow. It seemed... meant to be... this symbolism. This Trinitarian union and perfection of Divine Love, set in motion and brought to completion in the world on this day - yet patiently waiting to be welcomed into our own hearts, ravishing us with His Love, His Mercy, His sublime tenderness... to lift us up out of our darkness to be one with Him.

And then I remembered another Good Friday, the last one of Saint John Paul II's earthly life. It, too, fell on March 25th. The following Saturday, on the eve of the Feast of Divine Mercy - that great feast then newly-ushered into the Church's liturgical year by that glorious saint himself - he crossed the threshold from this life into the waiting arms of his Mother... the Mother of Mercy. His life of "Totus Tuus," his own fiat, came to completion in such a year, on such a day of mercy.

So it's pretty amazing and downright BEAUTIFUL that this year, this next time we have been blessed with this "feast and fast," as Donne puts it, it comes to us in the JUBILEE YEAR OF MERCY!!! Every DAY this year is like a Divine Mercy Sunday! This year of jubilee is the fruition of John Paul's vision (truly, the Holy Spirit's vision through him and through his successors) and I know the Holy Spirit has brought all of this together, somehow, in His perfect plan, to happen RIGHT NOW. These feasts won't coincide again for over 140 years... Somehow, all of this was meant to be.

THIS is the year of the favor of the Lord! Embrace it! Live it! He humbled Himself to become man for YOU, He suffered for YOU, He died for YOU, He rose for YOU, and He opened the gates of Heaven for YOU! You are loved, you are cherished, you are precious, and He is waiting for YOU to let Him embrace you and fill you with all His mercy and love!

Upon the Annunciation and
Passion Falling upon One Day.
1608

Tamely, frail body, abstain today; today
My soul eats twice, Christ hither and away.
She sees Him man, so like God made in this,
That of them both a circle emblem is,
Whose first and last concur; this doubtful day
Of feast or fast, Christ came and went away;
She sees Him nothing twice at once, who’s all;
She sees a Cedar plant itself and fall,
Her Maker put to making, and the head
Of life at once not yet alive yet dead;
She sees at once the virgin mother stay
Reclused at home, public at Golgotha;
Sad and rejoiced she’s seen at once, and seen
At almost fifty and at scarce fifteen;
At once a Son is promised her, and gone;
Gabriel gives Christ to her, He her to John;
Not fully a mother, she’s in orbity,
At once receiver and the legacy;
All this, and all between, this day hath shown,
The abridgement of Christ’s story, which makes one
(As in plain maps, the furthest west is east)
Of the Angels’ Ave and Consummatum est.
How well the Church, God’s court of faculties,
Deals in some times and seldom joining these!
As by the self-fixed Pole we never do
Direct our course, but the next star thereto,
Which shows where the other is and which we say
(Because it strays not far) doth never stray,
So God by His Church, nearest to Him, we know
And stand firm, if we by her motion go;
His Spirit, as His fiery pillar doth
Lead, and His Church, as cloud, to one end both.
This Church, by letting these days join, hath shown
Death and conception in mankind is one:
Or ‘twas in Him the same humility
That He would be a man and leave to be:
Or as creation He had made, as God,
With the last judgment but one period,
His imitating Spouse would join in one
Manhood’s extremes: He shall come, He is gone:
Or as though the least of His pains, deeds, or words,
Would busy a life, she all this day affords;
This treasure then, in gross, my soul uplay,
And in my life retail it every day.

– John Donne

Not a homestead without a puppy.......

...and here she is! 

Meet Rose, our new 3-month-old Yorkie/Shih-Tzu. :) She is the sweetest little thing with a wonderfully gentle disposition, and is the perfect little companion for all of us - including the toddlers, who really need a calming influence. ;) 

We'd been on the puppy search for a few months, and when I saw her picture two nights ago, she just melted my heart. We were just starting our novena to St. Therese, so when the owner texted me back and said that the pup's name was Rose....... Well, it seemed like it was just meant to be! :) I nearly called it off when the three-hour round trip last night began with a dead battery in my car, but thankfully my 11yo son helped me jump it by showing me exactly how Daddy uses jumper cables. ;) I am SO glad we were able to make it! 

What a joy this little girlie has been already. :) Welcome to the family, Rose!

In Sight of the Finish Line

When I first met the outgoing company commander and his wife, at the "Hail and Farewell" hosted at the battalion commander's house last year, the first thing his wife said to me was, "You know you're never going to see him, right?"

"Him," of course, was my husband, to whom her husband was happily handing over the reins as a company commander in 10th Mountain Division's Headquarters and Headquarters Battalion (HHBN). Our next meeting was at our husbands' change of command ceremony, and she looked so relieved that it was over - that her husband had handed over the guidon, and that SHE was handing over the reins, so to speak, of being the commander's wife. At the battalion Christmas party, every other company commander's wife said the same thing to me, while greeting me with a look of understanding and camaraderie: "He's never going to be home. You are never going to see him."

Thanks, ladies. I get the picture.

And "get it," I did. That Christmas party - the mandatory time with "800 of your best friends," as they say - was the first time we'd been able to have dinner together since he'd taken command. It took a mandatory dinner/party, and the need to hire a babysitter, for him to actually get out of work before the kids were in bed, let alone eat dinner. Together. Sure, it was full of the usual military get-together formalities, but it was finally some time with each other.

Those chances have been few and far between over the past year. Even when he wasn't running field exercises or training events, or overseeing middle-of-the-night arms room stuff, or being called in to deal with family crises, or having soldiers in trouble with the MPs, or domestic disputes he had to handle over holidays, or - well, you get the idea - there was always a "something" (usually, a great many "somethings") that kept him at work, heading in before early morning PT and staying in usually until way past bedtime. 14-16 hour days were normal, 20+ rather frequent. That's what happens, I guess, when your particular company has to be involved - in one way or another - with basically every event, exercise, etc. of an entire division of 18,000 troops. There's a lot of physical training and other heavy-duty exercises that go into leading a company in a light infantry division, and he did the job well... but I think all the physical and hands-on requirements were cake compared to the endless paperwork, training meetings, paperwork, counseling sessions, paperwork, meetings at division, paperwork, phone calls, paperwork, meetings with the LTC, paperwork... Perhaps you see the overwhelming theme here. ;) I lost track of the number of nights I'd hear from him around 7 or 8pm, saying he was "just finishing up and would be home soon," and then something would come up and he'd have to stay another few hours anyway.

Time with Daddy became super-precious, and I made an attempt to get photos of it whenever it happened. :) For example, here's a pic I took in January when I let 15-month-old Johnny finally have a chance to see Daddy - it's just before 11pm, Daddy had just gotten home after being at work since 1am... and he's still working on emails. 22 hours and still going strong, baby - and ready to literally hit the ground running about 5 hours later, at 20 below zero F. Crazy stuff. But this late-night time with Dad made Johnny's night!! :) Every moment was so important... especially since we thought he'd be deploying within the year... and I wanted to make every moment and every memory count.



So with that, and adding a difficult pregnancy and complicated delivery/postpartum time for baby #5 to this mix (we found out we were pregnant last year on the very day he found out he was getting command, and that he'd be leaving in a few days for Massachusetts for a month first!) it's been a heck of a year. There were plenty of times when I wondered - especially when we thought he'd be deploying this winter - if it could ever really, truly be over. It just didn't seem possible!

But - this year of command is almost over. Almost. 2 days now. 45.5 hours, actually. What?! We did it! We've actually made it to the end of the road! WE'RE GOING TO HAVE FAMILY TIME! We will be able to eat dinners together. Daddy will be around in the evenings to help out with sports practices, ballet lessons, bath time, and tucking the kids into bed... all the things I did on my own every day, every night. I almost... can't believe it. It doesn't seem possible. This is an AMAZING feeling.

It's also a really strange feeling.

See, we're not just done with command in a few days. In less than a month, we'll be done with the Army for good... and that is a bittersweet feeling for sure. It was the toughest decision to make - to be done with the Army, to give up retirement, to take our chances in the unknown civilian world - but we also knew it was the right decision. No more deployments, TDYs, and the host of other things that present unique challenges and hardship to military families... and we are so grateful that they will be only in our past from now on. Yet, we're also giving up a life that is the only life we've known since before we were married, and something that my husband both loves and is really, really good at doing. Those complicated, bittersweet feelings are many, but for now, I just want to be grateful that we have come to this final week of command and are still in one piece. :)

Has it been crazy? Yes. It was physically, mentally, and emotionally challenging on the entire family. Has it been worth it?

... I think it has been.

We're all stronger because of it. We've seen so many sides of military life now, from being a junior enlisted family to a commander's family, and can appreciate the unique challenges of both those ends of the spectrum, and everything in between. Military families, like other families who sacrifice a lot or even everything, for "the greater good," know the importance of each memory together because that time as a family can be gone in an instant, at a moment's notice... perhaps forever. This particular job was a constant reminder of that, especially as the unit has been preparing to deploy again. The kids cherish time with Dad more than ever before. They have a greater appreciation for the discipline of our soldiers, are proud of their daddy, and want to be like him. They love "spying" on what he does, when possible, or seeing cool photos of him at the range or at training sites. But they were positively glowing when they told me that Daddy didn't want to miss them growing up, and that it was one of the reasons he was getting out.

As always, and perhaps even more than ever, he has taught them the value of hard work AND how to let your family know that you will always put them first... even when that means tough decisions and giving up something you love so much, to take care of the "someones" you love so much more. He really is their hero, in so many ways.

Just ask our oldest son, who will be 10 in a week. On Halloween, he asked for my old BDU top (since it fits him better) and Daddy's old soft cap, because he wanted to be Daddy for Halloween.

Again. :)

 



Deo gratias.

Jonathan - 9 months old :)

Ah, hello, blog world. :) It's been awhile.

Crazy winter, busy spring... many moments spent thinking, "I'd really like to blog about that...!" ...but now that my work-from-home grading year is pretty much done (besides the stragglers' assignments, for which I am waiting :) ) I hope to have a little more free time at night to actually do that bit of blogging. :)

Today, our little chubber turned 9 months old...!! He's a busy little guy who knows how to get into plenty of trouble... and likes lots of snuggles, too. :) To celebrate his birthday, he took his first real steps today... 3 steps toward Daddy. :) AND - I was finally able to get some photos of him today... I didn't get the shot I'd been hoping to get for my official "baby picture" wall, but got a few cute ones nonetheless. :)

(And yes, I'm still planning to share the story of his birth... that's one that deserves to be shared! :) That will have to wait for a quieter evening with a little more time to write and remember. :)  )

Little pudge :)

He likes his baseball!

Mr. Serious...

Finally, a smile! :)

:)

The Birth of Jonathan Karol, part 1 ~ Our Journey to Unassisted Homebirth

My husband and I brought our fourth baby into the world in the wee hours of the morning of September 22^nd, 2011. :) While not all went as “planned,” Jonathan Karol's arrival was nonetheless the most positive birth experience I have had yet, and I am so happy to share his – our – story with you. :)

Early on in this pregnancy, my very dear friend sent me a brand-new book by the nation's leading midwife, Ina May Gaskin, titled Birth Matters. (My friend even had Ina May sign it for me!) While I had read several natural birth books during my first pregnancy, my subsequent labor experiences gave me no desire to read more books about labor and delivery. If I would read about birth, I would either find myself cringing from the description of all-too-familiar feelings of the great intensity of hard labor, or find myself jealous of those women who described their labors as nearly painless. I've been told I have a good memory... well, my memory of my past labors – particularly my first and third – remained much too fresh in my mind to want to think about them ever again. I truly appreciated that I was able to have all my babies at home, in my own environment, because I knew that my fear and tension would have been greatly increased in a hospital setting... and yes, I was pleased and proud of having accomplished that which women of all time have done – natural childbirth. I also knew that things likely would never be as hard as they were with my first child, whose 26-hour intense labor ended with several scary and excruciatingly painful hours of complications, which – had it not been for the knowledge and calm work of my midwives – would have ended in a c-section in a hospital setting, and quite possibly a hysterectomy, too. I literally became delirious with pain during the last few hours of that first birth. My midwives assured me that those complications were very unlikely to ever happen again, and they were right – they have not. Still - for several physical reasons - I have lengthy labors, and it generally takes me about 3-4 hours just to get through transition (the last 3cm of dilation)... which is generally the hardest part for every laboring woman, though many experience it for an hour or even much less. Alas, I am not one of them. ;) Up until transition, I can handle labor quite well; I just focus on relaxing the rest of my body, breathing deeply, and so on. Early labor is a lot of work and not at all pleasant, but it does not scare me. And I was not afraid of early labor during this pregnancy, either... it was just thinking about transition and delivery that made me feel sick to my stomach.

So, until this pregnancy, I couldn't bring myself to read anymore books about birth because I would get so tense that it was basically counterproductive. When Ina May's book arrived, though, something about it made me want to pick it up and start reading. And read I did! I loved her attitude toward the birth process, and her insight that even tough, difficult labors can be beautiful and the stories worth sharing. Then, while spending most of my time on bedrest and/or unable to do much else due to very painful pregnancy complications, I started reading more. I read Your Best Birth, by Ricki Lake and Abby Epstein... loved this one, too, since it also showed the beauty found in all kinds of different birth experiences, and would be a good book for arming any new mom with the types of information she needs to make the best birthing decisions for her particular situation. Then, I read Hypnobirthing, which provides information on various relaxation techniques that can help reduce (or even, for some women, eliminate) the painful sensations of labor. Some of these techniques were rather off-putting to me, but I decided to use the ones I could – particularly that of deep breathing (which I'd already practiced with the Bradley Method, though this method was more specific) and “light-touch massage,” which increases endorphin production and helps block the pain signals being sent to the brain. That sounded great to me! From what I could gather – and what my doula confirmed based on her experience with clients - it seemed that while many women found hypnobirthing techniques helpful in early labor, they did not find them very helpful by the time transition arrived. That was ok with me, though. Anything that could help save my energy for “the big stuff” and give me a more positive outlook was worth trying.

Meanwhile, I'd been unable to find a homebirth midwife who would come out to our area. At first, this was very frustrating and I grew increasingly anxious about the thought of not being able to find anyone outside the hospital setting who would deliver our baby. I finally found a local midwife who delivers babies for the Amish here, but recently she had decided to only deliver babies in her own trailer on her property. I wasn't comfortable with the thought of delivering my baby in someone else's space, let alone a trailer. I told her I'd meet with her sometime, though, “...because you're the only choice I have.” Upon hearing this, my husband said, “Or me... I could do it.” At first, I wasn't too comfortable with that thought, either – not because I didn't trust my husband's excellent medical emergency skills (which I do!) but because I wanted him to be there for me, without having to worry about paying attention to anything else. I also wanted someone who could completely understand what I was going through... the pain, the power of something completely taking over your body, the depths of transition... everything. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I was still more comfortable with the thought of my husband delivering our baby than some stranger in a brightly-lit, noisy, impersonal hospital room. Birth, if anything, should be personal.......

And that's when I came across the most moving, influential book I would read throughout this entire pregnancy. While browsing through Amazon.com's “suggested titles,” one caught my eye – Unassisted Homebirth: An Act of Love, by Lynn M. Griesemer. It was inexpensive and intriguing, so I bought it, hoping for some guidance and wisdom. The book arrived a few days later and I could not put it down! As I read her stories of their journey to unassisted homebirth, as well as the many stories by other husbands and wives who had decided to travel this road, I knew that this was the missing piece of my own birthing journey. Lynn's story began with the following reflection: “Not a day goes by that I don't think about the birth of Millicent. There's something appealing, almost erotic about conceiving and bearing a child in the same place, with the same intimacy... 'Let no man divide what God has joined together.' I did not realize on our wedding day that this phrase was perfectly suited for childbirth. During our fifth child's birth, no one was there to divide what was so beautifully joined together.”

The rest of her book is full of suggestions, tips, reflections, and even plenty of information to help a husband and wife determine whether unassisted homebirth is a reasonable, responsible decision for them to make. At no time does she assume or suggest that unassisted birth is for everyone; in fact, she lists plenty of reasons why it would not be a responsible or loving decision, based on each couple's situation and, obviously, the mother and baby's health. She lists important reasons to birth at a hospital, or to have a midwife-assisted homebirth as opposed to an unassisted one. (And sometimes, the main reason you should birth in a hospital or have a midwife is simply because that is what you are most comfortable with... as she says, if a child is afraid of the dark, the loving thing to do is to let them have a nightlight! You need to do what makes you most comfortable, especially with such an intense and life-changing event as birth.) As with the decision to have a midwife-assisted homebirth, there are plenty of reasons why unassisted birth would not be a good decision for some couples. But she does give many reasons why - for a healthy mother and baby, a responsible, loving husband, and given the right circumstances – unassisted birth can not only be a very peaceful and beautiful childbirth option, it can also strengthen marriage and family bonds in ways previously unimagined by the couple or family. I can't do justice to her rich reflections here, but I assure you that they very deeply affected my outlook on childbirth, marriage, and the relationship between the two.

Her main thesis is that childbirth, as the true climax and conclusion of the act of deepest intimacy and personal bond between husband and wife, is something that is best experienced by them alone... and in any case, should be treated with the utmost respect and dignity befitting such a sacred, intense, deeply personal moment. The love of husband and wife, reflected in the reality and tangibility of the life of a new person who embodies that love, comes full circle... the marriage act of self-gift and intimacy is completed in the same manner it began... with the two of them alone working together to bring forth love itself. The father's role is not only the role of coach, but of a very active and necessary participant. Due to the necessity of deep communication and trust between the couple who plan an unassisted birth, and the intensity of the experience they undergo together, many couples confide that their unassisted births greatly strengthened their marital bonds, their love, trust, and respect for each other, their communication, and their confidence in both self and spouse.

So... I had found it... the missing piece of my puzzle to having a birth experience the way I felt it should be. The freedom to labor as I wanted, to birth as I needed... to be as loud as I needed, to feel uninhibited... and, especially, to make this a deep, lasting, intimately personal event with my husband in full participation, with both of us being completely involved and relying on our own inner strength, instead of someone else... all this could be possible with unassisted birth. When I accepted this, I knew that I had a much better chance of having positive feelings about our new baby's birth, even if things were tough. I knew what labor and birth were really about. I was going to do all in my power to assure that we had the best chance of this happening; and, if we should have to transfer to a hospital, I would still keep in mind that the most important thing was doing what was best for my baby. In the case of complications, the loving sacrifice would include not birthing in the way I'd hoped. But if there were no complications, delivering our baby by ourselves, together, would be the best way we could make our child's entrance into the physical world a true act of surrender and love.

Childbirth is a love act involving the triangle of man, woman, and child, but people are unaware that it is an intimate occurrence. A powerful physical and psychological union is formed between the couple who births a baby together... At the moment of complete surrender, many couples feel a sense of eternity together. They just KNOW they will be together forever. Past, present, and future are linked together and the baby will be a constant reminder of the momentous event.

~Lynn Griesemer

Precious moments... of suffering

"O what precious moments these are. It is a happiness that the Lord gives me to relish almost always in moments of affliction. At these moments, more than ever, when the whole world troubles and weighs on me, I desire nothing other than to love and to suffer." ~St (Padre) Pio

These words of Padre Pio - a holy Italian priest who suffered from the Stigmata (the Wounds of Christ's Passion) for over 60 years - have been on my mind quite a bit lately. I remember after my mom was in labor with one of my little sisters, she mentioned that she just kept thinking about how Padre Pio lived every minute of every day in such great pain, yet had the strength to just keep going on with his everyday tasks. "How did you do it?" she prayed. To live with constant, severe, overwhelming pain and yet... go on living... even with a smile...!

Grace, of course...... that was how he did it....... after all, he was an incredibly holy man who asked for more suffering. "But I do not feel I can be deprived of suffering--for this I lack strength," he once said. Lack strength... to be deprived of suffering???? Are you kidding me? Only God's grace could have transformed his soul into something so perfectly joined with Our Lord and His Passion that he would be yearn for more suffering!

And here I am... a pretty weak woman... begging the Lord to relieve my sufferings. They are nothing compared to Padre Pio's intense experiences of the Passion, and yet I'm asking that they be lightened anyway. For more than the last month, the constant pain has become overwhelming once again... as in past pregnancies, it feels as though my legs are not connected to anything in my hips/pelvis, and that my entire lower half of my body is not connected to the upper half. The subsequent tearing, racking pain makes it so hard to do anything... often, it is even hard to breathe because - believe it or not - that moves more of your body than just your ribcage! ;) With that, my broken tailbone, and other searing but inexplicable pain throughout my body, I feel so... discouraged... once again. It is often hard to talk or teach my children, because so much of my energy is being used to handle pain. There are nights when I do nothing but count the different sounds I hear, because they are the only things distracting me from crying out. I try to think about the great saints of suffering, like Padre Pio.... and of course my dear little St. Therese of the Child Jesus... who suffered joyfully yet so intensely for extended periods of time. And I want to know... how did you do it? How did you obtain that grace to suffer well? Yes, it is a grace... it was not of their own power... and in my own little way, with my own little sufferings, I need that grace... the grace to suffer well.

Oh, yes... mentally, I know the beauty of suffering. I know, in my head, that suffering can transform us into images of Christ - in whatever way He so chooses - and by joining our sufferings to His, we can help in His work. "Now I rejoice in my sufferings for your sake, and in my flesh I am filling up what is lacking in Christ’s afflictions for the sake of His body, that is, the Church," St. Paul wrote. Yes, Jesus' sacrifice was once, and for all... but He still calls us to follow in the footsteps of His Cross, to unite ourselves with Him in offering ourselves to the Father for the salvation of souls. I know that the more we joyfully accept our sufferings, the more we will image Our Lord in love... giving back to Him a very small part of the eternal, sacrificial, completely self-emptying love He has shown us. Love and suffering go hand in hand....... to love more, I must be willing to suffer more....... "If you really want to love Jesus, first learn to suffer, because suffering teaches you to love," St Gemma Galgani explained. And as Blessed (Mother) Teresa of Calcutta expressed many times, "True love hurts. If we really love one another properly, there must be sacrifice."

But I also fully and completely understand the words of young St. Therese, whose insights into the beauty of suffering love obtained for her the title of Doctor of Divine Love: "It's very easy to write beautiful things about suffering, but writing is nothing, nothing! One must suffer in order to know...!"

Those precious moments of Padre Pio's... the precious moments of suffering which he so cherished... were so much more intense than my own suffering. If he could bear it, so can I - but I need the grace to keep going... and to really see these hard times as "precious."  We all need the grace to bear whatever sufferings Our Lord wishes us to experience, in union with Him, so that we can love Him more and transform our lives to better image His own. But I must beg Him... if I must bear this pain, please give me the grace to suffer well! I feel as though that grace is so far away right now... I need it to permeate my soul and make me stronger instead of discouraging me and making each moment seem more of a battle to be fought than a gift to be experienced.

And - I need to focus on the truly precious moments of pregnancy... of carrying the very fruit of the love between my husband and myself, so close under my heart... In loving this baby with all of my being... through the ups and downs, the joys and great pains of pregnancy and, ultimately, birth... I can truly give all of myself in love... a complete gift to both my husband and new child. I ask your prayers that I can keep this in mind as I enter the last week of pregnancy... and we prepare to meet our newest gift of love from the Father. :)

"In the Cross, Love is lifted up and the Cross is at the same time lifted up through Love. And from the height of the Cross, love comes down to us." ~Blessed John Paul II

A little miracle in the making :)

Actually, it's quite a big miracle. And it's already been made. :) Our newest "little pumpkin" officially joined our family at the very end of December, just in time for New Year's... though we didn't know it at the time. :) Mid-January found our youngest child on the phone with his grandparents, aunts, and uncles, declaring, "New Baby in Mommy's tummy! I a big brother!" All 3 kids were extremely excited, especially Therese... she'd spent the last few months praying and praying for a new baby in the family!

This miracle hasn't come without it's challenges, for sure. All of my previous pregnancies entailed a lot of pain and very tough times - each time, we'd think, "This is going to be the last time I can do this... let's adopt!" A connective tissue disorder, fibromylagia, and other painful physical challenges meant that my hips and other joints would try to dislocate at the very slightest of movement (as in, simple tensing of the leg muscles - let alone trying to move anything) and the truly racking pain was often more than I thought I could bear. Meanwhile, the slightest touch would cause a bad bruising feeling, even if there was no bruise. When actual dislocations fully happened, I was usually alone with the kids and had to get the joint into the socket by myself. Holy....... pain. (I DID try to offer it up, so - I guess that phrase would be appropriate. ;) ) Anyway, the constant, excruciating pain meant I was unable to care for house or kids as they needed... often unable to move in the slightest, sleep, or do anything else without great difficulty. So this time, while I was thrilled about a new baby, I was also apprehensive about the challenges I knew would come to our family while I was pregnant.

As it turned out, this pregnancy brought its own new difficulties, which I could not have foreseen. After two months of pretty much constant sickness, I hoped I'd be able to get off the couch more often and start taking care of the kids and house again, albeit slowly due to my joints. Unfortunately, while on the way to my great-uncle's funeral in early March, my womb completely prolapsed. This unforeseen complication - which soon led to complete pelvic organ prolapse - meant another 2 months of basically total bedrest, and lots of pain and discomfort (honestly, never being able to empty my bladder more than a tiny bit was the most stressful part of that whole time. I'd never fully appreciated the ability to pee before. ;) ) Almost as stressful was simply the fact that I still couldn't take care of my other 3 children, clean up messes, make meals, put away laundry, or do... pretty much anything. Depression really started to set in, and I thought I'd never make it to September! Thanks be to God, the prolapse issues really began to resolve around Eastertime and the scariest part of this pregnancy was finally over. :)

The month of May still found me mostly on the couch, though, due to other pelvic and abdominal problems (not as serious as prolapse, however). The intense pain was akin to the pain of the time in labor when one is moving between early labor and transition... I broke out in hot and cold sweats, had to use every bit of energy just to breathe and not cry out, etc. These episodes could last for hours at a time and happened every day, and every time I tried to sit up I would trigger another episode. The Lord was truly testing my patience and strength... while I don't know how I ultimately fared in the test, I was proud of my kids for sure! Timmy kept up with the dishes and laundry to the best of his ability - he'd had a lot of practice over the previous months. ;) The other two kiddos did their best to help out, and tried not to complain too much. They would bring me water "because the baby is making your tummy hurt" and knew that it wasn't my fault that I (still) couldn't take care of them. Oh yes, they all had their moments, and it was an extremely tough time for all of us. I still felt very alone and depressed that I was not the wife and mother I needed/wanted to be, and the walls of this house had never felt so oppressive. But I think it also helped them grow in responsibility and patience, and - I hope - ultimately brought us all closer together, learning to depend on each other more and adapt more easily to tough situations.

My husband was, of course, my rock through all of this! Each long, long day, I lived for the moment he'd walk in the door and just be there to tell me things would get better someday. But when he had to spend a week in North Carolina, my sister-in-law and her kids - and my newly graduated sister - made the trip to come help out. Two weeks later, another one of my sisters came up to help once again while Tim had to be in San Antonio. On a few occasions, my husband's sister - though hours away herself - made and sent several meals for our freezer, and when my mom came up for a weekend visit in April, she brought a week's worth of dinners from my sister and brother-in-law's family in CT. Since we'd lived mostly on eggs, cereal, and sandwiches, these dinners were a true God-send! :) At the end of May is the feast of the Visitation, when Our Lady made the journey to help her pregnant cousin Elizabeth. This year I appreciated that feast - and the sacrifice of my sisters and family members - more than ever. I only hope I can be that selfless and giving when I know of someone in a similar circumstance.....

The wonderful news is - after 5 months of this craziness, June brought with it blessed relief from many of my symptoms! My homeopath has me taking a whole arsenal of remedies which are finally reducing the frequency and intensity of my pain episodes. Yes, they'll still happen... and yes, I'll still have trouble with my legs not being able to support me or causing pain, especially if I've overdone it. I'll still occasionally fall into things when a leg gives out, and often have pain from my previously fractured tailbone. I still have the normal discomforts of the 3rd trimester - getting bruised from all those powerful baby kicks, having a hard time breathing, sleeping, etc. But compared to my other pregnancies, I feel so much better!! I'm hardly spending any time on the couch, and usually can walk for a good 10 or 15 minutes before I start to feel a lot of pain. I can sit outside, water the flowers, make dinner... even walk around Sam's Club! (with Tim pushing the cart, LOL. :) )

And when things get too tough, my husband has been a great support... literally and figuratively. He's a good crutch when my legs can't hold me up, and is very patient with helping me move from room to room or up the stairs when they aren't working right. :) For as challenging as the first almost-2/3rds of this pregnancy was, mentally and physically, I can now see us growing even closer together as a couple and I am really, truly happy about the way things are unfolding. :)

God works in very mysterious ways, and we may never know the reason why He allows us to suffer so much sometimes.... or at least, we won't know until Heaven. But whatever His reasons were this time, I am glad to see my family growing closer together, and we all are eagerly awaiting the birth of this most precious, beautiful gift of our newest baby... a child for whom we've all already sacrificed so much, but for whom the sacrifice of love has been absolutely, completely worth it. I love you, Baby, and I can't wait to meet you in September! :)




Preborn baby at 32 weeks, just where we'll be at tomorrow :)
Approximately 4 lbs; 17 inches long