My husband and I brought our fourth baby into the world in the wee hours of the morning of September 22nd, 2011. :) While not all went as “planned,” Jonathan Karol's arrival was nonetheless the most positive birth experience I have had yet, and I am so happy to share his – our – story with you. :)
Early on in this pregnancy, my very dear friend sent me a brand-new book by the nation's leading midwife, Ina May Gaskin, titled Birth Matters. (My friend even had Ina May sign it for me!) While I had read several natural birth books during my first pregnancy, my subsequent labor experiences gave me no desire to read more books about labor and delivery. If I would read about birth, I would either find myself cringing from the description of all-too-familiar feelings of the great intensity of hard labor, or find myself jealous of those women who described their labors as nearly painless. I've been told I have a good memory... well, my memory of my past labors – particularly my first and third – remained much too fresh in my mind to want to think about them ever again. I truly appreciated that I was able to have all my babies at home, in my own environment, because I knew that my fear and tension would have been greatly increased in a hospital setting... and yes, I was pleased and proud of having accomplished that which women of all time have done – natural childbirth. I also knew that things likely would never be as hard as they were with my first child, whose 26-hour intense labor ended with several scary and excruciatingly painful hours of complications, which – had it not been for the knowledge and calm work of my midwives – would have ended in a c-section in a hospital setting, and quite possibly a hysterectomy, too. I literally became delirious with pain during the last few hours of that first birth. My midwives assured me that those complications were very unlikely to ever happen again, and they were right – they have not. Still - for several physical reasons - I have lengthy labors, and it generally takes me about 3-4 hours just to get through transition (the last 3cm of dilation)... which is generally the hardest part for every laboring woman, though many experience it for an hour or even much less. Alas, I am not one of them. ;) Up until transition, I can handle labor quite well; I just focus on relaxing the rest of my body, breathing deeply, and so on. Early labor is a lot of work and not at all pleasant, but it does not scare me. And I was not afraid of early labor during this pregnancy, either... it was just thinking about transition and delivery that made me feel sick to my stomach.
So, until this pregnancy, I couldn't bring myself to read anymore books about birth because I would get so tense that it was basically counterproductive. When Ina May's book arrived, though, something about it made me want to pick it up and start reading. And read I did! I loved her attitude toward the birth process, and her insight that even tough, difficult labors can be beautiful and the stories worth sharing. Then, while spending most of my time on bedrest and/or unable to do much else due to very painful pregnancy complications, I started reading more. I read Your Best Birth, by Ricki Lake and Abby Epstein... loved this one, too, since it also showed the beauty found in all kinds of different birth experiences, and would be a good book for arming any new mom with the types of information she needs to make the best birthing decisions for her particular situation. Then, I read Hypnobirthing, which provides information on various relaxation techniques that can help reduce (or even, for some women, eliminate) the painful sensations of labor. Some of these techniques were rather off-putting to me, but I decided to use the ones I could – particularly that of deep breathing (which I'd already practiced with the Bradley Method, though this method was more specific) and “light-touch massage,” which increases endorphin production and helps block the pain signals being sent to the brain. That sounded great to me! From what I could gather – and what my doula confirmed based on her experience with clients - it seemed that while many women found hypnobirthing techniques helpful in early labor, they did not find them very helpful by the time transition arrived. That was ok with me, though. Anything that could help save my energy for “the big stuff” and give me a more positive outlook was worth trying.
Meanwhile, I'd been unable to find a homebirth midwife who would come out to our area. At first, this was very frustrating and I grew increasingly anxious about the thought of not being able to find anyone outside the hospital setting who would deliver our baby. I finally found a local midwife who delivers babies for the Amish here, but recently she had decided to only deliver babies in her own trailer on her property. I wasn't comfortable with the thought of delivering my baby in someone else's space, let alone a trailer. I told her I'd meet with her sometime, though, “...because you're the only choice I have.” Upon hearing this, my husband said, “Or me... I could do it.” At first, I wasn't too comfortable with that thought, either – not because I didn't trust my husband's excellent medical emergency skills (which I do!) but because I wanted him to be there for me, without having to worry about paying attention to anything else. I also wanted someone who could completely understand what I was going through... the pain, the power of something completely taking over your body, the depths of transition... everything. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I was still more comfortable with the thought of my husband delivering our baby than some stranger in a brightly-lit, noisy, impersonal hospital room. Birth, if anything, should be personal.......
And that's when I came across the most moving, influential book I would read throughout this entire pregnancy. While browsing through Amazon.com's “suggested titles,” one caught my eye – Unassisted Homebirth: An Act of Love, by Lynn M. Griesemer. It was inexpensive and intriguing, so I bought it, hoping for some guidance and wisdom. The book arrived a few days later and I could not put it down! As I read her stories of their journey to unassisted homebirth, as well as the many stories by other husbands and wives who had decided to travel this road, I knew that this was the missing piece of my own birthing journey. Lynn's story began with the following reflection: “Not a day goes by that I don't think about the birth of Millicent. There's something appealing, almost erotic about conceiving and bearing a child in the same place, with the same intimacy... 'Let no man divide what God has joined together.' I did not realize on our wedding day that this phrase was perfectly suited for childbirth. During our fifth child's birth, no one was there to divide what was so beautifully joined together.”
The rest of her book is full of suggestions, tips, reflections, and even plenty of information to help a husband and wife determine whether unassisted homebirth is a reasonable, responsible decision for them to make. At no time does she assume or suggest that unassisted birth is for everyone; in fact, she lists plenty of reasons why it would not be a responsible or loving decision, based on each couple's situation and, obviously, the mother and baby's health. She lists important reasons to birth at a hospital, or to have a midwife-assisted homebirth as opposed to an unassisted one. (And sometimes, the main reason you should birth in a hospital or have a midwife is simply because that is what you are most comfortable with... as she says, if a child is afraid of the dark, the loving thing to do is to let them have a nightlight! You need to do what makes you most comfortable, especially with such an intense and life-changing event as birth.) As with the decision to have a midwife-assisted homebirth, there are plenty of reasons why unassisted birth would not be a good decision for some couples. But she does give many reasons why - for a healthy mother and baby, a responsible, loving husband, and given the right circumstances – unassisted birth can not only be a very peaceful and beautiful childbirth option, it can also strengthen marriage and family bonds in ways previously unimagined by the couple or family. I can't do justice to her rich reflections here, but I assure you that they very deeply affected my outlook on childbirth, marriage, and the relationship between the two.
Her main thesis is that childbirth, as the true climax and conclusion of the act of deepest intimacy and personal bond between husband and wife, is something that is best experienced by them alone... and in any case, should be treated with the utmost respect and dignity befitting such a sacred, intense, deeply personal moment. The love of husband and wife, reflected in the reality and tangibility of the life of a new person who embodies that love, comes full circle... the marriage act of self-gift and intimacy is completed in the same manner it began... with the two of them alone working together to bring forth love itself. The father's role is not only the role of coach, but of a very active and necessary participant. Due to the necessity of deep communication and trust between the couple who plan an unassisted birth, and the intensity of the experience they undergo together, many couples confide that their unassisted births greatly strengthened their marital bonds, their love, trust, and respect for each other, their communication, and their confidence in both self and spouse.
So... I had found it... the missing piece of my puzzle to having a birth experience the way I felt it should be. The freedom to labor as I wanted, to birth as I needed... to be as loud as I needed, to feel uninhibited... and, especially, to make this a deep, lasting, intimately personal event with my husband in full participation, with both of us being completely involved and relying on our own inner strength, instead of someone else... all this could be possible with unassisted birth. When I accepted this, I knew that I had a much better chance of having positive feelings about our new baby's birth, even if things were tough. I knew what labor and birth were really about. I was going to do all in my power to assure that we had the best chance of this happening; and, if we should have to transfer to a hospital, I would still keep in mind that the most important thing was doing what was best for my baby. In the case of complications, the loving sacrifice would include not birthing in the way I'd hoped. But if there were no complications, delivering our baby by ourselves, together, would be the best way we could make our child's entrance into the physical world a true act of surrender and love.
Childbirth is a love act involving the triangle of man, woman, and child, but people are unaware that it is an intimate occurrence. A powerful physical and psychological union is formed between the couple who births a baby together... At the moment of complete surrender, many couples feel a sense of eternity together. They just KNOW they will be together forever. Past, present, and future are linked together and the baby will be a constant reminder of the momentous event.
~Lynn Griesemer
He is so, so beautiful, Natalie! I love that picture!
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