The Birth of Jonathan Karol, part 1 ~ Our Journey to Unassisted Homebirth

My husband and I brought our fourth baby into the world in the wee hours of the morning of September 22^nd, 2011. :) While not all went as “planned,” Jonathan Karol's arrival was nonetheless the most positive birth experience I have had yet, and I am so happy to share his – our – story with you. :)

Early on in this pregnancy, my very dear friend sent me a brand-new book by the nation's leading midwife, Ina May Gaskin, titled Birth Matters. (My friend even had Ina May sign it for me!) While I had read several natural birth books during my first pregnancy, my subsequent labor experiences gave me no desire to read more books about labor and delivery. If I would read about birth, I would either find myself cringing from the description of all-too-familiar feelings of the great intensity of hard labor, or find myself jealous of those women who described their labors as nearly painless. I've been told I have a good memory... well, my memory of my past labors – particularly my first and third – remained much too fresh in my mind to want to think about them ever again. I truly appreciated that I was able to have all my babies at home, in my own environment, because I knew that my fear and tension would have been greatly increased in a hospital setting... and yes, I was pleased and proud of having accomplished that which women of all time have done – natural childbirth. I also knew that things likely would never be as hard as they were with my first child, whose 26-hour intense labor ended with several scary and excruciatingly painful hours of complications, which – had it not been for the knowledge and calm work of my midwives – would have ended in a c-section in a hospital setting, and quite possibly a hysterectomy, too. I literally became delirious with pain during the last few hours of that first birth. My midwives assured me that those complications were very unlikely to ever happen again, and they were right – they have not. Still - for several physical reasons - I have lengthy labors, and it generally takes me about 3-4 hours just to get through transition (the last 3cm of dilation)... which is generally the hardest part for every laboring woman, though many experience it for an hour or even much less. Alas, I am not one of them. ;) Up until transition, I can handle labor quite well; I just focus on relaxing the rest of my body, breathing deeply, and so on. Early labor is a lot of work and not at all pleasant, but it does not scare me. And I was not afraid of early labor during this pregnancy, either... it was just thinking about transition and delivery that made me feel sick to my stomach.

So, until this pregnancy, I couldn't bring myself to read anymore books about birth because I would get so tense that it was basically counterproductive. When Ina May's book arrived, though, something about it made me want to pick it up and start reading. And read I did! I loved her attitude toward the birth process, and her insight that even tough, difficult labors can be beautiful and the stories worth sharing. Then, while spending most of my time on bedrest and/or unable to do much else due to very painful pregnancy complications, I started reading more. I read Your Best Birth, by Ricki Lake and Abby Epstein... loved this one, too, since it also showed the beauty found in all kinds of different birth experiences, and would be a good book for arming any new mom with the types of information she needs to make the best birthing decisions for her particular situation. Then, I read Hypnobirthing, which provides information on various relaxation techniques that can help reduce (or even, for some women, eliminate) the painful sensations of labor. Some of these techniques were rather off-putting to me, but I decided to use the ones I could – particularly that of deep breathing (which I'd already practiced with the Bradley Method, though this method was more specific) and “light-touch massage,” which increases endorphin production and helps block the pain signals being sent to the brain. That sounded great to me! From what I could gather – and what my doula confirmed based on her experience with clients - it seemed that while many women found hypnobirthing techniques helpful in early labor, they did not find them very helpful by the time transition arrived. That was ok with me, though. Anything that could help save my energy for “the big stuff” and give me a more positive outlook was worth trying.

Meanwhile, I'd been unable to find a homebirth midwife who would come out to our area. At first, this was very frustrating and I grew increasingly anxious about the thought of not being able to find anyone outside the hospital setting who would deliver our baby. I finally found a local midwife who delivers babies for the Amish here, but recently she had decided to only deliver babies in her own trailer on her property. I wasn't comfortable with the thought of delivering my baby in someone else's space, let alone a trailer. I told her I'd meet with her sometime, though, “...because you're the only choice I have.” Upon hearing this, my husband said, “Or me... I could do it.” At first, I wasn't too comfortable with that thought, either – not because I didn't trust my husband's excellent medical emergency skills (which I do!) but because I wanted him to be there for me, without having to worry about paying attention to anything else. I also wanted someone who could completely understand what I was going through... the pain, the power of something completely taking over your body, the depths of transition... everything. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I was still more comfortable with the thought of my husband delivering our baby than some stranger in a brightly-lit, noisy, impersonal hospital room. Birth, if anything, should be personal.......

And that's when I came across the most moving, influential book I would read throughout this entire pregnancy. While browsing through Amazon.com's “suggested titles,” one caught my eye – Unassisted Homebirth: An Act of Love, by Lynn M. Griesemer. It was inexpensive and intriguing, so I bought it, hoping for some guidance and wisdom. The book arrived a few days later and I could not put it down! As I read her stories of their journey to unassisted homebirth, as well as the many stories by other husbands and wives who had decided to travel this road, I knew that this was the missing piece of my own birthing journey. Lynn's story began with the following reflection: “Not a day goes by that I don't think about the birth of Millicent. There's something appealing, almost erotic about conceiving and bearing a child in the same place, with the same intimacy... 'Let no man divide what God has joined together.' I did not realize on our wedding day that this phrase was perfectly suited for childbirth. During our fifth child's birth, no one was there to divide what was so beautifully joined together.”

The rest of her book is full of suggestions, tips, reflections, and even plenty of information to help a husband and wife determine whether unassisted homebirth is a reasonable, responsible decision for them to make. At no time does she assume or suggest that unassisted birth is for everyone; in fact, she lists plenty of reasons why it would not be a responsible or loving decision, based on each couple's situation and, obviously, the mother and baby's health. She lists important reasons to birth at a hospital, or to have a midwife-assisted homebirth as opposed to an unassisted one. (And sometimes, the main reason you should birth in a hospital or have a midwife is simply because that is what you are most comfortable with... as she says, if a child is afraid of the dark, the loving thing to do is to let them have a nightlight! You need to do what makes you most comfortable, especially with such an intense and life-changing event as birth.) As with the decision to have a midwife-assisted homebirth, there are plenty of reasons why unassisted birth would not be a good decision for some couples. But she does give many reasons why - for a healthy mother and baby, a responsible, loving husband, and given the right circumstances – unassisted birth can not only be a very peaceful and beautiful childbirth option, it can also strengthen marriage and family bonds in ways previously unimagined by the couple or family. I can't do justice to her rich reflections here, but I assure you that they very deeply affected my outlook on childbirth, marriage, and the relationship between the two.

Her main thesis is that childbirth, as the true climax and conclusion of the act of deepest intimacy and personal bond between husband and wife, is something that is best experienced by them alone... and in any case, should be treated with the utmost respect and dignity befitting such a sacred, intense, deeply personal moment. The love of husband and wife, reflected in the reality and tangibility of the life of a new person who embodies that love, comes full circle... the marriage act of self-gift and intimacy is completed in the same manner it began... with the two of them alone working together to bring forth love itself. The father's role is not only the role of coach, but of a very active and necessary participant. Due to the necessity of deep communication and trust between the couple who plan an unassisted birth, and the intensity of the experience they undergo together, many couples confide that their unassisted births greatly strengthened their marital bonds, their love, trust, and respect for each other, their communication, and their confidence in both self and spouse.

So... I had found it... the missing piece of my puzzle to having a birth experience the way I felt it should be. The freedom to labor as I wanted, to birth as I needed... to be as loud as I needed, to feel uninhibited... and, especially, to make this a deep, lasting, intimately personal event with my husband in full participation, with both of us being completely involved and relying on our own inner strength, instead of someone else... all this could be possible with unassisted birth. When I accepted this, I knew that I had a much better chance of having positive feelings about our new baby's birth, even if things were tough. I knew what labor and birth were really about. I was going to do all in my power to assure that we had the best chance of this happening; and, if we should have to transfer to a hospital, I would still keep in mind that the most important thing was doing what was best for my baby. In the case of complications, the loving sacrifice would include not birthing in the way I'd hoped. But if there were no complications, delivering our baby by ourselves, together, would be the best way we could make our child's entrance into the physical world a true act of surrender and love.

Childbirth is a love act involving the triangle of man, woman, and child, but people are unaware that it is an intimate occurrence. A powerful physical and psychological union is formed between the couple who births a baby together... At the moment of complete surrender, many couples feel a sense of eternity together. They just KNOW they will be together forever. Past, present, and future are linked together and the baby will be a constant reminder of the momentous event.

~Lynn Griesemer

Precious moments... of suffering

"O what precious moments these are. It is a happiness that the Lord gives me to relish almost always in moments of affliction. At these moments, more than ever, when the whole world troubles and weighs on me, I desire nothing other than to love and to suffer." ~St (Padre) Pio

These words of Padre Pio - a holy Italian priest who suffered from the Stigmata (the Wounds of Christ's Passion) for over 60 years - have been on my mind quite a bit lately. I remember after my mom was in labor with one of my little sisters, she mentioned that she just kept thinking about how Padre Pio lived every minute of every day in such great pain, yet had the strength to just keep going on with his everyday tasks. "How did you do it?" she prayed. To live with constant, severe, overwhelming pain and yet... go on living... even with a smile...!

Grace, of course...... that was how he did it....... after all, he was an incredibly holy man who asked for more suffering. "But I do not feel I can be deprived of suffering--for this I lack strength," he once said. Lack strength... to be deprived of suffering???? Are you kidding me? Only God's grace could have transformed his soul into something so perfectly joined with Our Lord and His Passion that he would be yearn for more suffering!

And here I am... a pretty weak woman... begging the Lord to relieve my sufferings. They are nothing compared to Padre Pio's intense experiences of the Passion, and yet I'm asking that they be lightened anyway. For more than the last month, the constant pain has become overwhelming once again... as in past pregnancies, it feels as though my legs are not connected to anything in my hips/pelvis, and that my entire lower half of my body is not connected to the upper half. The subsequent tearing, racking pain makes it so hard to do anything... often, it is even hard to breathe because - believe it or not - that moves more of your body than just your ribcage! ;) With that, my broken tailbone, and other searing but inexplicable pain throughout my body, I feel so... discouraged... once again. It is often hard to talk or teach my children, because so much of my energy is being used to handle pain. There are nights when I do nothing but count the different sounds I hear, because they are the only things distracting me from crying out. I try to think about the great saints of suffering, like Padre Pio.... and of course my dear little St. Therese of the Child Jesus... who suffered joyfully yet so intensely for extended periods of time. And I want to know... how did you do it? How did you obtain that grace to suffer well? Yes, it is a grace... it was not of their own power... and in my own little way, with my own little sufferings, I need that grace... the grace to suffer well.

Oh, yes... mentally, I know the beauty of suffering. I know, in my head, that suffering can transform us into images of Christ - in whatever way He so chooses - and by joining our sufferings to His, we can help in His work. "Now I rejoice in my sufferings for your sake, and in my flesh I am filling up what is lacking in Christ’s afflictions for the sake of His body, that is, the Church," St. Paul wrote. Yes, Jesus' sacrifice was once, and for all... but He still calls us to follow in the footsteps of His Cross, to unite ourselves with Him in offering ourselves to the Father for the salvation of souls. I know that the more we joyfully accept our sufferings, the more we will image Our Lord in love... giving back to Him a very small part of the eternal, sacrificial, completely self-emptying love He has shown us. Love and suffering go hand in hand....... to love more, I must be willing to suffer more....... "If you really want to love Jesus, first learn to suffer, because suffering teaches you to love," St Gemma Galgani explained. And as Blessed (Mother) Teresa of Calcutta expressed many times, "True love hurts. If we really love one another properly, there must be sacrifice."

But I also fully and completely understand the words of young St. Therese, whose insights into the beauty of suffering love obtained for her the title of Doctor of Divine Love: "It's very easy to write beautiful things about suffering, but writing is nothing, nothing! One must suffer in order to know...!"

Those precious moments of Padre Pio's... the precious moments of suffering which he so cherished... were so much more intense than my own suffering. If he could bear it, so can I - but I need the grace to keep going... and to really see these hard times as "precious."  We all need the grace to bear whatever sufferings Our Lord wishes us to experience, in union with Him, so that we can love Him more and transform our lives to better image His own. But I must beg Him... if I must bear this pain, please give me the grace to suffer well! I feel as though that grace is so far away right now... I need it to permeate my soul and make me stronger instead of discouraging me and making each moment seem more of a battle to be fought than a gift to be experienced.

And - I need to focus on the truly precious moments of pregnancy... of carrying the very fruit of the love between my husband and myself, so close under my heart... In loving this baby with all of my being... through the ups and downs, the joys and great pains of pregnancy and, ultimately, birth... I can truly give all of myself in love... a complete gift to both my husband and new child. I ask your prayers that I can keep this in mind as I enter the last week of pregnancy... and we prepare to meet our newest gift of love from the Father. :)

"In the Cross, Love is lifted up and the Cross is at the same time lifted up through Love. And from the height of the Cross, love comes down to us." ~Blessed John Paul II

A little miracle in the making :)

Actually, it's quite a big miracle. And it's already been made. :) Our newest "little pumpkin" officially joined our family at the very end of December, just in time for New Year's... though we didn't know it at the time. :) Mid-January found our youngest child on the phone with his grandparents, aunts, and uncles, declaring, "New Baby in Mommy's tummy! I a big brother!" All 3 kids were extremely excited, especially Therese... she'd spent the last few months praying and praying for a new baby in the family!

This miracle hasn't come without it's challenges, for sure. All of my previous pregnancies entailed a lot of pain and very tough times - each time, we'd think, "This is going to be the last time I can do this... let's adopt!" A connective tissue disorder, fibromylagia, and other painful physical challenges meant that my hips and other joints would try to dislocate at the very slightest of movement (as in, simple tensing of the leg muscles - let alone trying to move anything) and the truly racking pain was often more than I thought I could bear. Meanwhile, the slightest touch would cause a bad bruising feeling, even if there was no bruise. When actual dislocations fully happened, I was usually alone with the kids and had to get the joint into the socket by myself. Holy....... pain. (I DID try to offer it up, so - I guess that phrase would be appropriate. ;) ) Anyway, the constant, excruciating pain meant I was unable to care for house or kids as they needed... often unable to move in the slightest, sleep, or do anything else without great difficulty. So this time, while I was thrilled about a new baby, I was also apprehensive about the challenges I knew would come to our family while I was pregnant.

As it turned out, this pregnancy brought its own new difficulties, which I could not have foreseen. After two months of pretty much constant sickness, I hoped I'd be able to get off the couch more often and start taking care of the kids and house again, albeit slowly due to my joints. Unfortunately, while on the way to my great-uncle's funeral in early March, my womb completely prolapsed. This unforeseen complication - which soon led to complete pelvic organ prolapse - meant another 2 months of basically total bedrest, and lots of pain and discomfort (honestly, never being able to empty my bladder more than a tiny bit was the most stressful part of that whole time. I'd never fully appreciated the ability to pee before. ;) ) Almost as stressful was simply the fact that I still couldn't take care of my other 3 children, clean up messes, make meals, put away laundry, or do... pretty much anything. Depression really started to set in, and I thought I'd never make it to September! Thanks be to God, the prolapse issues really began to resolve around Eastertime and the scariest part of this pregnancy was finally over. :)

The month of May still found me mostly on the couch, though, due to other pelvic and abdominal problems (not as serious as prolapse, however). The intense pain was akin to the pain of the time in labor when one is moving between early labor and transition... I broke out in hot and cold sweats, had to use every bit of energy just to breathe and not cry out, etc. These episodes could last for hours at a time and happened every day, and every time I tried to sit up I would trigger another episode. The Lord was truly testing my patience and strength... while I don't know how I ultimately fared in the test, I was proud of my kids for sure! Timmy kept up with the dishes and laundry to the best of his ability - he'd had a lot of practice over the previous months. ;) The other two kiddos did their best to help out, and tried not to complain too much. They would bring me water "because the baby is making your tummy hurt" and knew that it wasn't my fault that I (still) couldn't take care of them. Oh yes, they all had their moments, and it was an extremely tough time for all of us. I still felt very alone and depressed that I was not the wife and mother I needed/wanted to be, and the walls of this house had never felt so oppressive. But I think it also helped them grow in responsibility and patience, and - I hope - ultimately brought us all closer together, learning to depend on each other more and adapt more easily to tough situations.

My husband was, of course, my rock through all of this! Each long, long day, I lived for the moment he'd walk in the door and just be there to tell me things would get better someday. But when he had to spend a week in North Carolina, my sister-in-law and her kids - and my newly graduated sister - made the trip to come help out. Two weeks later, another one of my sisters came up to help once again while Tim had to be in San Antonio. On a few occasions, my husband's sister - though hours away herself - made and sent several meals for our freezer, and when my mom came up for a weekend visit in April, she brought a week's worth of dinners from my sister and brother-in-law's family in CT. Since we'd lived mostly on eggs, cereal, and sandwiches, these dinners were a true God-send! :) At the end of May is the feast of the Visitation, when Our Lady made the journey to help her pregnant cousin Elizabeth. This year I appreciated that feast - and the sacrifice of my sisters and family members - more than ever. I only hope I can be that selfless and giving when I know of someone in a similar circumstance.....

The wonderful news is - after 5 months of this craziness, June brought with it blessed relief from many of my symptoms! My homeopath has me taking a whole arsenal of remedies which are finally reducing the frequency and intensity of my pain episodes. Yes, they'll still happen... and yes, I'll still have trouble with my legs not being able to support me or causing pain, especially if I've overdone it. I'll still occasionally fall into things when a leg gives out, and often have pain from my previously fractured tailbone. I still have the normal discomforts of the 3rd trimester - getting bruised from all those powerful baby kicks, having a hard time breathing, sleeping, etc. But compared to my other pregnancies, I feel so much better!! I'm hardly spending any time on the couch, and usually can walk for a good 10 or 15 minutes before I start to feel a lot of pain. I can sit outside, water the flowers, make dinner... even walk around Sam's Club! (with Tim pushing the cart, LOL. :) )

And when things get too tough, my husband has been a great support... literally and figuratively. He's a good crutch when my legs can't hold me up, and is very patient with helping me move from room to room or up the stairs when they aren't working right. :) For as challenging as the first almost-2/3rds of this pregnancy was, mentally and physically, I can now see us growing even closer together as a couple and I am really, truly happy about the way things are unfolding. :)

God works in very mysterious ways, and we may never know the reason why He allows us to suffer so much sometimes.... or at least, we won't know until Heaven. But whatever His reasons were this time, I am glad to see my family growing closer together, and we all are eagerly awaiting the birth of this most precious, beautiful gift of our newest baby... a child for whom we've all already sacrificed so much, but for whom the sacrifice of love has been absolutely, completely worth it. I love you, Baby, and I can't wait to meet you in September! :)




Preborn baby at 32 weeks, just where we'll be at tomorrow :)
Approximately 4 lbs; 17 inches long